Understanding Healthy Boundaries
The dictionary defines a boundary as a point or limit that indicates where two things become different. For example, we have boundaries between countries, cities and even property. In other words, a boundary is a line indicating what belongs to me and what belongs to you.
Often when people are struggling with relationships in their life, I will hear them say something like;
I need to help my husband feel better when he comes home stressed.
I have to help my adult child to stop making bad choices.
I should be there when my employee can’t get the work done.
I feel so stressed because whatever I do doesn’t help.
If you hear yourself saying these things, you may be struggling with boundary issues!
It can be helpful to think of personal boundaries in the same way that we think of boundaries between properties in a neighbourhood. We often build a fence around the backyard boundary. There are some good reasons why it is important to have boundaries!
Boundaries keep us safe
Fences around our backyard keep our possessions, children and pets in the yard and safe.
They also keep out what is not wanted, such as animals and people who may bring harm or steal from us. We can put a gate in our fence and use it to choose who we let in and who we let out.
Boundaries define what is our responsibility
Now imagine, one morning, you wake up and look out your back window. You realize that at night, your neighbour has come into your backyard and pulled out your prize rose bushes. They have cut down a tree that gave shade and has put in some rocks that they feel would be better. You would likely be pretty angry! And rightly so as this is your property.
It is your responsibility to take care of what is in your backyard and not someone else.
In the same way, your neighbour would not appreciate you “fixing” their backyard. Your intentions might be well-meaning. Your neighbour may have large weeds and the grass may be overgrown. However, unless you have their permission, you could be charged with trespassing if you decide to go over and “clean it up” to your liking.
Boundaries protect the limits of what you can do
On the other hand, your neighbour might appreciate you coming unannounced to water and take care of their backyard!
It works for them because you are doing the work. It means that they don’t have to do it. They can go and do other things with their time and energy. However, as you spend time taking care of their backyard, your backyard is slowly falling apart.
There is not enough time and energy to care for both backyards.
Boundaries lead to freedom
Physical boundaries are the same idea as personal boundaries. Jumping in and fixing other people’s problems is stepping into their backyard and it crosses a boundary. You are not responsible for other people's emotions, behaviours and choices. These things belong to them and are their property.
At the same time, you are responsible for your own emotions, thoughts and behaviours. The choices you make will have an enormous impact on your personal and emotional well-being.
Freeing yourself from fixing other people, rescuing them or protecting them from bad emotions will feel like a burden is lifted from you. There can be energy to work on your own emotional and mental health. You can begin to develop policies such as not responding to work emails on your day off. You can start looking at your options and how you will respond to challenges. You can decide what you can say yes to and what needs a no. This is freedom!
When you conflict with someone and feel resentful of the relationship, it can be helpful to ask yourself, “Whose backyard am I in?” Asking this question can help to flag if you have crossed a boundary and are trying to fix something that doesn’t belong to you.
It can also be good to ask yourself, “Is someone in my backyard who needs to leave?”. If this is the case, it can help you to know it is time to show them the gate and ask them to go. After all, there is work to be done in your own backyard!
Do you struggle with personal boundaries? If the answer is yes, CONTACT US or schedule a free 15-minute consultation.
